How Do You Handle It When Your Child Plays One Parent Against The Other?

Recently my 9 year old son is getting smart.





When I tell him he can't watch tv and that he has to do some homework first, he goes to dad and asks him when I'm not around. When he says that he can my son goes right to the tv.





When I tell him to shut it off he tells me ';But dad said I can watch tv';. When I ask my husband he said sure let him watch some tv.





Ugh, how do you handle it when your child pulls this trick?How Do You Handle It When Your Child Plays One Parent Against The Other?
This is very common for one parent to reprimand the other parent and yes, children really figure that out really quick!





You need to have a discussion, without your son around, with your husband about reprimanding each other.





His homework is more important than tv. He is going to learn to pin parents against each other and you both are going to have to adjust not only your parenting, but your communication too.





When your child says ';But dad said';.....





You say ';I said no. You know the rules and you broke them. No tv for a week. Go on, go get your homework. Next time, don't ask dad after you asked me when I told you my answer';





As far as your husband, same thing applies to him. ';No. He asked me. He knows the rules. He didn't like the answer I gave him. Life isn't fair and not all answers will he like. He has to understand it by us parents teaching. Rule is no tv for a week. If rule is broken, it will be no tv period';





He has to learn to not go against you in this parent against parent routine.





A story to add:





I was 8 at a friends house and she pulled almost the same thing. She was a daddy's girl. We loved to watch Sat morning cartoons. But the rule was, she had to have her bed made and room cleaned.





She went straight to her dad and he said it was okay even after her mom said ';bedroom first';.





Her mom unplugged the tv, took the tv outside in the shed and locked it up.





She said ';This is the last time you will ever go against me';. I remember my friend crying to her dad. He claimed he didn't know she wasn't suppose to. The mom reminded him of the house rules and Tv is a privilege, not a right!





So both of them had no tv for a week. The mom only had a key to the shed and told him if it comes out, to not dare her to break it. lol. Wow. She wasn't kidding either.





So....maybe take a few pointers in my honest opinion.








My husband and I are expecting; however, our tester ';baby'; is our dog. Tatar is rebellious sometimes. I am strict while hubby is more ';relaxed';. My husband finally realized what a rebellious dog will do. I told him if you say ';come here'; twice and he still wonders around not listening, to get onto him in a firm voice. ';Come here!!';. Oh..he will come to you. He is very well trained since 8 weeks and he is a year old now.





My hubby will go ';come here....come here...come here'; in a soft voice. Dog went poo on his fresh done gravel ignoring him and walking off (he knows to go in his dog pen).





I just sat back and watched, not saying a word as hubby always said I always get involved ';proving him wrong';.





lol....He now will listen to me and will be firm.





so sometimes the other parent has to see the ';negative'; for them to understand why the mama is being ';strict';.How Do You Handle It When Your Child Plays One Parent Against The Other?
My daughter is 4 and has already figured that one out, lol. It drives me crazy! My husband has basically learned that when she goes to him whispering that I've already told her no. Just talk with your husband, and if you tell your 9 yr old something, also make sure you say to your husband ';Oh by the way, Johnny just asked if he could watch tv, but he needs to finish his homework first.'; That way everybody knows what's going on and there won't be any of that playing around.
Sounds like no communication between you and the husband.You both have to get together and agree as to all the decisions of child rearing.It never works when there are two parents and only one tries to make the right decisions.Both parents have to always decide together what the child does and when.I have personally been in this same situation and it ended in Divorce.Talk to your hubby and tell him you must both be together on ALL decisions or it will be bad for you all.Good luck1
You and your husband need to communicate when your son is not around. Discuss rules and enforcement. My husband and I work differnet days, so who ever is off work that day is the person in charge, even if we are both home at the time. This gives the kids an idea of who to ask what. Good luck.
just unplug the tv and quietly inform your partner to stop undermining your authority





it would be better if both partners use it is ok if it is ok with your mother/father





i had the same problem with my step children clear the table first mum said we can watch tv





so rook MY tv and put it in our bedroom out of bounds to her children





table got cleared after every meal Easy a week later put TV back
Get together with your husband and decide in a strategy. In this case, I would tell your son that what he did was wrong, and for that, he would lose all tv for a week.


But you and your husband need to work together.
Very common with kids.


Lucky yours started at 9.


All my children started at about 5-7.
White people are to lenient


smack his *** if he does stuff like that
oh my 7-year old is soooo good at that. kids are about the greatest manipulators under 5-feet, i swear!





i'm sure your husband also recognizes the problem. talk to your husband so you have a unified plan to handle this.





in our case, my husband now always says 'ask your mom.' or i would say, 'let me talk to your dad about it.' --so the decision is always a collaboration of both parents. that way, your son won't ever think he can hit you divided because you never will be.





that'll learn 'em! lol!
Tell your husband to say ';ask your mom'; whenever the kid asks him





That way, when the kid comes up to you and says ';can i?'; you say no, and he cannot say dad let him :P
The few times our children have done this, we made the result of it unpleasant enough that the child didn't WANT to do it ever again.


I remember one time when our oldest was 11 (now 15) asked me if he could go to the skating rink with his friends. I told him that we had things to do that day and he wouldn't be able to. He walked away and not too long after, Dad came home from work. Our son went to him (without me knowing) and asked if he could go to the skating rink. My husband didn't answer him right away because he didn't know what we had plans that day. Instead he (my husband) came and asked me what the plans were for the day. He told me that our son wanted to go to the skating rink and he hadn't answered him yet. I looked at him in disbelief! I said, ';He already asked me and I said no';. My husband said, ';He WHAT?';.


Needless to say, we were both VERY unhappy. Our son lost his video game privileges, he was grounded to his room and he had to sit through a LONG talking to about playing each parent against the other.


We explained to him that dad and I were a team, that nothing he (son) did would changed the fact that me and his dad were going to be on the same side. We told him that trying to play one against the other and trying to manipulate the situation was WRONG and deceitful.





The key is that both parents agree that if one says ';No';, the answer is ';No'; no matter what. And if the child tries to manipulate, there is trouble to pay.
Just talk to your husband about this before it happens. My son is 6 and he has been pulling this stunt lately. My husband just asks ';what did mom say?'; Or he asks me first or vice versa. All kids do this you just have to be ahead of them.
I really liked Carrie's answer. If you have a written set of house rules, add that one to it. I don't believe in a million rules; just a few memorable ones (no lying, no backtalk, etc.), but Carries rule can apply to so many situations that it is worth noting.





Rule: When one parent says ';no'; consider it to mean that both parents have said ';no';.





Once a house rule is in place, it is no longer a trick to play parents against each other, but instead a discipline issue.